At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Let's get the cat blown out
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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