I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Randomize
