we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
