He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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