apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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