my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
