I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
