I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
dude i'm inner monologue high
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
