I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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