shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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