im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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