she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
