Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
