You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
