My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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