I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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