She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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