last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
