i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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