I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
