when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
