You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
