You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
