never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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