I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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