I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
