ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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