He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
