The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
