i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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