I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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