I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
