You smell like stripper and shame
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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