If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
