You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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