is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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