They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
