she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
