if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
