I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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