You're earring is so big in my mouth
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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