thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
