Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Boobs are out for the taking
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
