I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
