Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
