So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
