i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I am naked and annoyed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
