You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
