JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
