I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
